Have your thoughts ever made you cry? I mean you’re sitting down thinking, and your thoughts just keep on spiraling around and around, getting bigger and bigger with each passing moment and before you know it, you’ve got tears streaming down your face?
That happened to me today. I was sitting at my dining table having lunch with Brooke & Mason. They were babbling to themselves and before I knew it, I was thinking about life. It all started because I bought Mason underwear today. haha! Something so minor sparked this major spiral of emotional doom in my mind.
Growing up my mom took us to church. She told us all about the love of God and we learned that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I believe that to this day. However. When I was 19 I started dating my husband. I was going to church back then. In fact, I was working at a church. My husband is agnostic. Mike (my husband) made me a “love at first sight” believer. I don’t know what it was about him, but as soon as I saw him, it was just instant. But it wasn’t that way with my parents nor was it that way with my friends at the time. As soon as my friends found out he wasn’t a christian, they began judging him. Harshly. And judging me. And before I knew it, all my friends had vanished. Because of that, I stopped going to church. Maybe that makes be insane, or petty. But even now looking back, I get it. I get why I stopped going to church. I’ve been a few times in the past 15 years but I don’t go often. And since I’m getting really honest, I don’t want to go. Some of the harshest most judgmental people I’ve come across are “Christians”. Telling me I’m not a true christian because I don’t attend church. Telling me that I no longer can believe because I don’t study my bible.
Over the last couple of years I’ve really questioned. Growing up my mom told me that was normal. So I never really thought anything of it. Until recently. Recently I’ve been questioning God a lot. *Why is there cancer? *Why would you take babies from their parents? *Why do little kids die? *Why do we die? *What is the point of life if all we do is die at the end of it. *Is there really a heaven? Or is there no such thing? *What if there’s no heaven? Then we just die? And there’s nothing after that? No afterlife? No heaven? No Pearly Gates? That’s depressing. But my biggest question is this… *God. Why won’t we have our family in heaven too? We may recognize them, but it won’t be the same. I have a lot of Mormon friends. And while I don’t agree with so many of their beliefs, I do know they believe their family on earth is going to be their family in heaven too. I like that. I don’t like the thought of not having my family in heaven. This thought hit me today. It all started with Mason’s new underpants. And before I knew it, I was crying. Thinking that I would only have him as my son on earth, but what about in heaven? What then? Will my kids not be my kids in heaven? Will they be just someone I recognize?
I can’t deny God. For me it’s impossible. I’ve had 4 babies. I’ve watched them grow in my stomach via ultrasound. Ive seen their tiny hearts beating from the time they were as small as a seed. I’ve felt their kicks and rolls. And I’ve birthed them. To have a child is to know God exists in my opinion. For me, that’s all the proof I’ve ever needed. But I still question. I still wonder why God allows things. Why He would do certain things. And while I’m being completely honest. I’m terrified of death. I am terrified of growing old. I am terrified of the rapture. I don’t read things like what I’m writing right now very often. But I needed to get it out. I feel consumed with emotion today and writing it down is how I’m processing some of these thoughts rolling in my mind.
I grew up hearing my mom talk about all of these things. And my whole life I’ve been afraid to die. My whole life I’ve been afraid of the rapture. It’s a hard thing for me to write this down. To wonder these things. This is how I feel today. And how i felt yesterday. And how I’ve felt for a while. Writing it down is the tricky part though, right? Exposing your deep dark thoughts. Making light that you’re really unsure about life. Sharing how scared you are. It’s hard to be vulnerable, but here I am. Here I stand… holding out all my thoughts. All of my questioning in one blog post. I may wear my heart on my sleeve… but deep thoughts like this are rarely admitted publicly.
I’m not searching for someone to tell me what to think, or what they think. I don’t need opinions, or judgement. I just simply wanted to write it down. Write down my feelings. My thoughts. Maybe …. just maybe I’m not alone in my questioning. Feel free to comment if you feel so compelled. But please leave the judgment and negativity at the “door”. Thank you.