Shey B

Weight

| 12 Comments

I have struggled with my weight my entire life.  Well, not my whole life.  In elementary I didn’t give a care what size my clothes were.  Oh the days of being care free.

Of course that all changed in middle school.  But it wasn’t until 8th grade that I really gave it a lot of thought.  It was the time I tried on a pair of jeans that fit me.  Those jeans were my dad’s.

I internalize a lot of my weight issues.  I don’t usually talk about them openly, but I know I’m not alone.

When I met my husband I was 165 pounds and happy with my weight – mostly.  Of course I can not recall a time when I was completely happy with my looks/weight.  Or if I was happy with my looks/weight I wasn’t happy about how I was treating my body to reach that weight.  I can however recall every moment in which I wished I was skinnier, wore smaller pants, looked as good in “those jeans” as that girl.  I recall every moment because it’s all the time.

In high school I was anorexic for a time.  Only eating the bare minimum.  I dated guys who had mottos like “no fat chicks” etc.  Not good for someone who struggles with their weight and at that time would have done almost anything to be skinny.

Since high school I’ve gotten married and pregnant twice.  Since high school I have gone through so many changes.  So many emotions.  I’ve been depressed, I’ve been through times where I can’t look at myself in the mirror, I’ve gone through intense hatred of myself, and my weight.  Often thinking I’m ugly.

A year and a half ago I decided enough was enough and decided to give HCG a try.  I did very well.  Losing 70 pounds.  But a year ago I realized how unrealistic HCG really was.  500 calories a day for a while worked fine, but then I began to wonder what I would do when I stopped HCG.  I mean I knew that I couldn’t possibly keep up eating a 500 calorie diet forever.  Nor did I want to.  So I decided to go off HCG.

Since then I’ve gained about 10 pounds back.  And each pound I see on the scale I have berated myself and cried.  I cut back what I eat and I can maintain my weight.  I see many of my friends going from diet to diet to diet and I’ve read many many MANY articles on eating right and weight management.  The truth is… I’ve become obsessed with my weight.  The better truth is that I also realized diets usually are not the answer to my problems.  HCG was the answer for me back when I was 240 pounds!  I was very obese.

But it’s also bad for your body to jump from diet to diet.

I was reading an article in Eating Well magazine.  The below paragraph really struck me because it showed that I can have a “relationship” as the article calls it with food.  The article talks about listening to your body and really thinking hard before actually “eating that cookie” or “eating that for dinner” or “eating that snack”.  Basically simply asking yourself “am I really hungry?  Or am I bored?”  I’ve been doing this for the past couple of days and have noticed a good difference.  I’m not always hungry when I eat.  I’ve been eating mostly healthy but eating too much.

What this article gave me was a gift.  A non diet gift.  It shared how to really listen to yourself when it comes to eating.  It may sound hokey, but if I can really just sit and have a conversation with myself about whether I want to eat certain things at certain times, then I think this is great.  This shows that I really don’t give myself enough credit.  I however, do not want to go on anymore diets.

I’m reading more about healthy eating.  I’m wanting to eat less non natural sugars as well.  I’m almost 31.  It’s time I start to lose my weight obsession.  It’s time I look at myself in the mirror and realize that there is more to me than the size of my pants.  It’s time to really see the girl in front of me in that mirror and realize I am pretty inside and out.  It’s time to lose that depression that the scale makes me feel sometimes.  In fact, I’d really love to just throw the damn scale away.

I also have felt like the internet (twitter, Facebook, pinterest) really adds nothing to help me with my self consciousness.  It’s almost like a competition sometimes.  Who’s the skinniest, who’s fashion is better, who has the best hair, makes the healthiest food, exercises the most, etc.

One thing I have learned.  If you want to do things for yourself… lose weight, eat right, dress better, etc.  DO IT FOR YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE.  Doing any of those things for anyone other than yourself just won’t work.  Always do things like that for you and you ALONE.

I felt compelled to write this out today.  Not sure why, but I feel better.

Tutorial #3 coming tomorrow!  Tutorial #2 is below this post.  :)

xo,

12 Comments

  1. Good for you!

    Read “Fork over Knives” or watch the DVD!! All I’m gonna say ;)

  2. Wow what a good and truth filled post. I too have struggled over the years with weight and anorexia.

    But what I want you to know that when I first met you I thought “my god she is beautiful” and it’s the truth. You are gorgeous hun inside and out.

  3. Such a powerful and real post! Good for you for posting this and you have fore sure helped someone else who may be struggling with the same issues.

  4. Thank you for sharing Shey. This is something I have struggled with also. I have placed my worth on how much I weigh or how I look. I have learned it is what I have to offer on the inside that counts!!! I am pushing 40 and am just leaning that one! :)

  5. I hear ya! My weight has always been difficult for me, but shortly after high school I fell in love with exercise. The way it makes me feel while I’m getting strong. Not to mention, the harder you work, the more you can eat! I would try to have a relationship with exercise. Find your soul mate work out. It’s out there. Sometimes, we don’t need to fall in love with an exercise to just do it, sometimes it’s a discipline. But you’ve got to just do it. Weight lighting will increase your body’s resting metabolism so you can burn more calories while you’re doing nothing! Not to mention its natural botox that will keep your skin tight! woot woot! I invested in a body bugg, but there’s lots of competition in the market right now, with fit bits and body media. Then it makes weight loss/ maintaining your weight as simple as balancing a check book, calories in and calories out! Good luck with your journey.

  6. Hey, I found you via Diana Smith on Twitter. Thank you so much for your honesty. I really respect that, I know it’s hard to be so open with the whole online world.

    I can completely relate to what you are going through. I eat healthy most of the time & exercise & am at a weight that most days I’m happy with. However, I’ve realized that obsessing about a particular size or numbers on a scale doesn’t make me happy, yet sometimes I’m prone to doing so.

    Also, I know it is hard having an online life where it seems like it’s one big competition. That’s why it’s so important to keep it real. I don’t know you (other than from what I’ve read in this post & your lovely blog design), but it sounds like you have a real desire to get real & make some permanent changes, which is as they say, the first step to “recovery.”

    I think in a way, we’re all recovering food-aholics, or something-aholics. Body image & food issues are most common with women, but whatever our demons, I have hope that I (and everyone, for that matter), can conquer them (eternal optimist in me).

    Look forward to reading your next post, thank you for sharing.

  7. Shey,
    Thank you for bringing this up today. I have always had issues with my weight whether up down or sideways…. It has taken me years to get past all the fat girl jokes and ugly jokes. I finally have got to a place where I am happy with me. I was what they call an emotional eater….stress eating tostitos up to 180 lbs. I lost over 39 lbs because like you said I did it for me. Then, I had my son, gained 39 and then I lost it again. The scale keeps me honest I only weigh once a week. I have days where I hate my looks or my ever populating gray hair but frankly, I am me. I live for me and my passion for art and fun. I found I like to eat well and also healthy. I started baking bread as a stress reliever when I wanted to eat….punching raw bread dough will help anyone to let whatever it is go. The other thing is that I break a sweat daily whether it is a workout in the literal sense or it is yard work, or housework where I dance while vacumning. Life is about living it.
    Live it to the fullest. PS ever tried fruit pizza? I love it for a dessert.

  8. What a wonderful message! I know most of us feel the same way to some extent…I’d love to ditch the scale myself!

  9. i understand. weight is such a battle but you are doing so good by recognizing what you can change!!! hang in there and keep your head up:)
    Gina
    ps-i turn 31 in july:) when is your birthday?

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