I have struggled with my weight my entire life. Well, not my whole life. In elementary I didn’t give a care what size my clothes were. Oh the days of being care free.
Of course that all changed in middle school. But it wasn’t until 8th grade that I really gave it a lot of thought. It was the time I tried on a pair of jeans that fit me. Those jeans were my dad’s.
I internalize a lot of my weight issues. I don’t usually talk about them openly, but I know I’m not alone.
When I met my husband I was 165 pounds and happy with my weight – mostly. Of course I can not recall a time when I was completely happy with my looks/weight. Or if I was happy with my looks/weight I wasn’t happy about how I was treating my body to reach that weight. I can however recall every moment in which I wished I was skinnier, wore smaller pants, looked as good in “those jeans” as that girl. I recall every moment because it’s all the time.
In high school I was anorexic for a time. Only eating the bare minimum. I dated guys who had mottos like “no fat chicks” etc. Not good for someone who struggles with their weight and at that time would have done almost anything to be skinny.
Since high school I’ve gotten married and pregnant twice. Since high school I have gone through so many changes. So many emotions. I’ve been depressed, I’ve been through times where I can’t look at myself in the mirror, I’ve gone through intense hatred of myself, and my weight. Often thinking I’m ugly.
A year and a half ago I decided enough was enough and decided to give HCG a try. I did very well. Losing 70 pounds. But a year ago I realized how unrealistic HCG really was. 500 calories a day for a while worked fine, but then I began to wonder what I would do when I stopped HCG. I mean I knew that I couldn’t possibly keep up eating a 500 calorie diet forever. Nor did I want to. So I decided to go off HCG.
Since then I’ve gained about 10 pounds back. And each pound I see on the scale I have berated myself and cried. I cut back what I eat and I can maintain my weight. I see many of my friends going from diet to diet to diet and I’ve read many many MANY articles on eating right and weight management. The truth is… I’ve become obsessed with my weight. The better truth is that I also realized diets usually are not the answer to my problems. HCG was the answer for me back when I was 240 pounds! I was very obese.
But it’s also bad for your body to jump from diet to diet.
I was reading an article in Eating Well magazine. The below paragraph really struck me because it showed that I can have a “relationship” as the article calls it with food. The article talks about listening to your body and really thinking hard before actually “eating that cookie” or “eating that for dinner” or “eating that snack”. Basically simply asking yourself “am I really hungry? Or am I bored?” I’ve been doing this for the past couple of days and have noticed a good difference. I’m not always hungry when I eat. I’ve been eating mostly healthy but eating too much.
What this article gave me was a gift. A non diet gift. It shared how to really listen to yourself when it comes to eating. It may sound hokey, but if I can really just sit and have a conversation with myself about whether I want to eat certain things at certain times, then I think this is great. This shows that I really don’t give myself enough credit. I however, do not want to go on anymore diets.
I’m reading more about healthy eating. I’m wanting to eat less non natural sugars as well. I’m almost 31. It’s time I start to lose my weight obsession. It’s time I look at myself in the mirror and realize that there is more to me than the size of my pants. It’s time to really see the girl in front of me in that mirror and realize I am pretty inside and out. It’s time to lose that depression that the scale makes me feel sometimes. In fact, I’d really love to just throw the damn scale away.
I also have felt like the internet (twitter, Facebook, pinterest) really adds nothing to help me with my self consciousness. It’s almost like a competition sometimes. Who’s the skinniest, who’s fashion is better, who has the best hair, makes the healthiest food, exercises the most, etc.
One thing I have learned. If you want to do things for yourself… lose weight, eat right, dress better, etc. DO IT FOR YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE. Doing any of those things for anyone other than yourself just won’t work. Always do things like that for you and you ALONE.
I felt compelled to write this out today. Not sure why, but I feel better.
Tutorial #3 coming tomorrow! Tutorial #2 is below this post. :)