Shey B

Hurt

| 21 Comments

Growing up I was really involved in church.  I’d go to Sunday study, and Wednesday night worship, and small group.  I lived with a few Christian girls from my church right out of high school, and worked at my church too!  I had great times and made great memories with my church groups.

I met my husband when I was almost 20.  He was weeks shy of being 25.  As cheesy and cliche as it may sound, we pretty much had an instant connection.  I pretty much knew instantly that we were going to get married.  Which we did, a mere 9 months after meeting each other.  We met at work.  I was the receptionist and he was the IT guy.  A classic love story.  ;)

I began telling my friends about him.  How much I liked him and at the time “I think I love him already”, etc.  2 weeks into my relationship with Mike, a couple of my Christian friends and I were talking about him.  One of them asked if he was a Christian.  “No” I answered.  “Mike is agnostic”.  I may as well have told them that Mike was the devil himself with the way they looked at me.  It was then that my Christian friends began not talking to me anymore as word got out that “Shey’s boyfriend isn’t a Christian!”  <— That is literally what was said.

In all my life I had never seen such ridicule and hatred.  Until that day.  The love of my life was being ridiculed and hated on because his beliefs were different.  And after the umpteenth round of judgement and whispers I stopped going to church.

To me being a Christian was about loving others as you’d want to be loved no matter your differences.  I love my husband for who he is, as a man, husband, and father.  I don’t love him any less because he’s agnostic.  I don’t judge him because he doesn’t believe or know or have solid proof that God exists.  In fact, I love him more for his need of facts and for his questions.

When Mike and I had been together for 3 months we got engaged.  And then 3 months later we found out we were going to have Angelina.  We were married 2 months later.  I remember going to an old friend’s wedding shower (I was the first of my church friends to get married) and I had to be about 7-8 months pregnant.  I remember hearing all the guests talking about whatever they were talking about and then I walked into the room.  Huge belly and all.  No one said anything mean, but it was the stares and the side ways glances and the whispering that almost made me run out of there.  I had never felt more uncomfortable in my life.  I felt judged and I hated every minute those scrutinizing eyes were on me.  Needless to say, I didn’t stay long.

Years later, here we are.  I’m reflecting on this, because I have been feeling this judgement again.  But let me be clear first.  I too am guilty for judging others.  I am human.  I make jokes with my mormon neighbors and tease them (and they tease me back big time too), but I’ve also expressed to them how much I adore their friendship and how I like having them in my life.  I may not agree with all things Mormon’s believe in or Buddhists or Catholics, but I don’t judge them because of what they believe.  I may think some of the things they believe are strange, but I think some things about Christianity are strange too.  I have judged others for how they eat, dress, drive, talk, etc.  We all do this.  It doesn’t make it right, of course.

I haven’t been writing much of my feelings here lately, because I’ve been trying to be less negative and more positive.  Which has been great.  But sometimes I need to write down how I’m feeling even if it’s not positive.  Sometimes I’m hurt and I need to get out my hurt on here.  Sometimes I feel judged and coming to my blog and writing it down helps.

I’ve been feeling judged and ridiculed lately because I don’t openly talk about God on here or most anywhere.  Because I don’t talk about my walk with God or how often I read my bible (which honestly isn’t often) or how often I pray, etc.  Why do I have to make all of this obscenely open in order to feel “welcome” anymore?  If I don’t want to write out the details of my walk with the Lord, why is it anyone’s business to judge me for that?   I married a man that’s agnostic.  So what?  He’s an incredible man, and my life is better with him in it.  I can’t express to you how heartbreaking and hurtful it was to hear my Christian friends pass judgement on my husband so easily.  It hurt.  Not him, but me.  Because they were missing the most important part… the man he was.

Like I said.  I’m not perfect by any means.  But today, I had to write this out, because I got an email that made me feel bad about myself.  Made me feel bad for being pregnant.  Made me feel bad about having an opinion and venting my feelings and thoughts.  Briefly made me feel bad for just being a human being with all my faults and flaws.

Then I realized… why do I feel bad?  This is ME!  I LOVE ME, God LOVES ME.  My husband LOVES ME.  My kids LOVE ME.  My parents LOVE ME.  I may not have but 2 friends, but that’s ok, because lately… I’m realizing what’s more important.  And the hurt brought with emails, tweets etc… not worth it.  In this day and age we rely so heavily on technology for just about everything… and that’s including friendships.  Problem with having online friends?  They never truly know who you are, and it’s easy to pass judgement.  It’s easy to just toss a “friend” aside when they no longer suit your “end goal”.

I’m tired of being hurt.  I’m tired of being told who I am and why that doesn’t work for others.  This is why I have trust issues and hold a lot of people at arms length.  When I’m friends with someone… truly friends with them, I hold on tight to them.  They are dear to me.  No matter what they’re going through, no matter what they say, no matter what, I want them in my life.  If they’re truly my friend.  Because we can communicate our differences with one another, we can argue but still remain friends.  We can tell each other that we’re being hateful and need to stop.  A friend is someone who is there for you through all those times.  If you’re so easily cast aside… that person wasn’t a true friend in my opinion.

Everything is for a season, right?  Thanks for letting me vent my hurt.

 

21 Comments

  1. At the end of the day, you are the only one that truly knows your relationship with God. Unfortunately, a lot of times others like to interject what they think on you and share unwelcome opinions. Most often Christians. The ones who are supposed to have your back. Why your friends didn’t look at you being with Mike as an opportunity to embrace Mike and show him Christian love….I am not sure. But we are all flawed. They are flawed. I am sorry that you are feeling this way. But you are right God loves you and your family loves you. Everyone else you allow to be close is just a bonus! And what the heck!!!! Welcome Baby Benner!

  2. Beautiful! It’s all about knowing who you are and what your own walk with God is :) I myself am a pastors kid and I of all people know what it feels like to have “christians” hit you right where it hurts. I think “christians” can be the worst sometimes!

  3. Xoxo! You touched my heart! Thank you!

  4. I think this is so typical of Christians. I am also a Christian and have no friends in my own church. I was just talking about this subject with my husband the other night. Why is it that they feel the need to act like children? They forget that Jesus came to earth to be our model, among other things, and they don’t have a clue how to be loving, forgiving, compassionate or kind. They only want to judge. Yuck. Makes me sick.

  5. Someone emailed you to get on you for not sharing your faith on your blog? That is so weird. I just want to say that I’m sorry I didn’t get to know you better before your big move…(when are you leaving?). I’m such an introvert that I forget to invite people over, even when I mean to.

  6. I just don’t understand why people feel they have a right to pass judgement on others. I don’t agree with a lot of stuff the people around me do, say or believe, but I never go out of my way to let them know or make them feel like crap.

    Stay positive and don’t let the crap other people say get to you. You’ve got a little bun in the oven that needs your TLC. (((HUGS)))

  7. {{{Hugs}}} Thank you for sharing your heart!

  8. We <3 you, Shey!! I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. They sure weren't acting very Christian-like. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. And just so you know I think you and your husband and kids(even the little one on the way) rock!! =)

  9. I’m always amazed at the impact we can have on each other. As an adult with a husband and 2 kids I’d like to think I’ve outgrown being impacted by hurtful comments, looks or gestures I sometimes experience. But no matter how hard I try to brush some off, they often times still hurt. I constantly remind myself we all feel pain! Even the most confident Mom gets her feelings hurt. Hang in there!! I’m sure we can all relate to some degree!!

  10. Hey Shey,
    Have you ever heard that there is a difference between faith and religion? In faith you believe because you simply know it for truth. Religion is a series of things that you practice. I have been on a journey seeking my religious house (aka church) for more than ten years. It has been disappointing to say the least. I have found more dysfunctional, backstabbing, gossip mongering, psycho babble, nastiness behind the doors of a church than the behind the doors of a bar. Been years since i clubbed but the statement still rings true. People use church as a social club as other folks use a bar and have for years. Which one is more honest with itself? I don’t know.
    I am a Christian without a church. I believe that where two or three are gathered in his name that he is there. I believe that if you sing you really do pray twice hence why I sing alot. See, Your story hit home for me because I too have dealt with alot of the above boogedy boo over the years. I find that faith is no ones business but your own. The discrimination certainly hurts. …but the Lord said it best ,” let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

    • Let your light shine shey! It may sound corny but I sang this little light of mine today with my son and you popped into my head. Must mean that you should let your light shine!

  11. I agree with Paige, there is a very big difference between faith and religion. I love God and with all my heart and soul and I don’t go to church. I pray everyday, and live doing to others as I would like done to me, at least I try my best to do so. And you know what I know that God knows who Iam and loves me for me just as God knows who you are and loves you for you, so what others think doesn’t matter..Live the best life you can for you and your family. If others bring you down then surround yourself with those who lift you up, shine and shine brighter, do all the magnificent things that make your heart sing and before you know it those others will be nothing but a distant memory.

  12. It saddens me to read some of the comments and opinions here. Not because I judge or condemn anyone but because of what God’s word says regarding some of the statements here. He is loving and just God. The one true judge. To be a Christian means to be a follower of Christ. To be a follower of Christ means to believe that the Bible is the inerrant, inspired word of God. ALL OF IT. Too many Christians pick and choose what parts of the Bible they like and ignore the rest. We need to read the Word of God in its’ entirety to understand and discern to between the truth and a lie. Keeping our focus on God puts everything into perspective.

  13. I definitely appreciate all the different religions that form our lovely world but I will say that being a third generation agnostic/athiest is a wonderful thing. It’s sad that you have been judged by those that are not “supposed” to be judging. Besides… you’re having a baby! The most wonderful, amazing, special job you’ll ever have is being a mom and here you get to do it again. Congratulations.

  14. Shey, I don’t know u very well, I only know u through what u share on the Internet…
    But let me say this, I am not ashamed of my relationship with Jesus, it’s just not where I want to focus my blog! Just because a person is a Christian doesn’t mean that what they share with the world is going to be that personal.
    In regards to you having another baby…why in the world could that be a bad thing?!? Weird people…
    Continue doing what your doing!! Making yourself happy, making your family strong & making your readers keep coming back for more good SheyB blogging!!
    PS…I have to catch up on my reading, I didn’t know for sure you were moving!!! Yeah!

  15. Hi,

    I randomly stumbled upon your blog and read this post. I hope you know that your “Christian friends” aren’t Christian. It sounds like you are the only true Christian of the bunch. I am Agnostic, and I believe that your relationship with your God is your own private thing. Keep your chin up.

  16. What a perfect message. You should never feel bad about what you do or dont talk about on YOUR blog.

  17. I came on your blog across Pinterest. I clicked on home page to save you in reader. Then I saw the title Hurt and started to read. I am from Croatia, ex republic of Yugoslavia, we were socialist country and I am not raised as Christian, although by origin we are Christians. I declare myself as atheist, but I am probably agnostic. And my husband too. Many of my friends, declare themselves as Christians or Orthodox or Muslims, many of them are atheist or agnostic, but they practice some religious customs and some feasts as Christmas or Easter, as well as I do, because we belong to western civilization and the custom is to celebrate it.
    If I live in Japan I would probably celebrate some other feasts.
    I don’t accept any church or religion as institution and I respect everyones beliefs, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.
    By my opinion belief is private and intimate decision ( as much as I know even the Constitutions of many countries guarantee it) and no one has the right to ask you about it, especially not to hurt you.
    But unfortunatelly, by my experiance those who are supposed to be in constant contact with assumed God, full of christian compassion and understanding and tolerance, often show complete lack of it. :(
    Stay well, you and your familly and don’t pay attention to them.
    And not least :) you have a wonderful blog!

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